International Surrogacy Risks/ Danger of International Surrogacy: Eleven months.

Eleven months ago tomorrow our long awaited, much loved twins arrived.

Eleven months ago our hearts filled with joy and then shattered with sorrow.

People who we thought were our friends turned on us when  they realized  we were unwilling to allow them to treat the death of our son as an inconvenience to their business.

People who we mistakenly assumed would blame us for our son's death have surrounded us with love and support.

A lot has changed in the last eleven months.

Our beautiful, vivacious daughter has blossomed as the health issues related to the medical neglect of her surrogate and the consequences of her premature birth have slowly begun to resolve.    She starts every morning with a smile.   Her first word was "Yay!"   She now says, momma, daddy-ji and didi (sister).   She loves music, adores jewelry and waves to everyone we meet.  

Mr. Q has flourished in his role as big brother.   Having a little sister has helped him in ways that we never envisioned.   

I no longer feel as alone as I did in the first few months after losing Johnny.   Some incredibly wise, strong and beautiful women (I'm looking at you, JT and CR) have allowed me to rage when I needed to, cry when I needed to and have never told me to "get over" it.  

Some things remain the same:

We are just as devastated by Johnny's death as we were  the day  he died.   Perhaps even more so as the truth about his life and death has become more clear.  To anyone thinking of commenting   that it's time for us to "get over it",   I truly hope you never have are in the position to know just how wrong you are to say this to parents who have lost a child. 

We are still being threatened, harassed and defamed by people within the international surrogacy community for speaking out about the dangers that this unregulated multi-million dollar industry presents to babies, to surrogates and to intended parents.

The organization which purports itself as advocating for best practices in international surrogacy still promotes agents/agencies, facilitators and clinics with well documented and known problems.  

Despite story after story of devastated intended parents, suffering surrogates and babies put in harm's way, agents and facilitators continue to promote themselves as experts in the legal and medical  systems of countries they have only visited briefly.  

How many babies will have to die?  How many families will be left bankrupted and devastated, their dreams of a family shattered?  How many surrogates will have to  suffer immeasurably?  When will these   "surrogacy cowboys" recognize that while they may not be legally accountable for the suffering they profit from,  the reality is that they are morally and ethically complicit in it continuing.   

Lauren Hill said it best, "Never underestimate those who you scar, cause karma, karma comes back to you hard."

100th Post

When this blog was started, I was full of hope.   I was totally confident that I had found not just a good facilitator,  but a friend, in Kim Waters Hendrix of Complete Surrogacy Solutions.   I believed that International Fertility Centre was a clinic that I could trust not only with the lives of my children, but with the life of my surrogate.   I imagined a 100th blog entry which showed our joyful family,  complete at last.  

Mother's Day is approaching quickly and I wish I could say that I was excited.   I am happy to celebrate the relationship I have with my beautiful children.  At the same time,  I can't forget the fact that Johnny never got to feel his mother's arms around him.  He never got to hear me say, "I love you."   I never got to tell him how very much he was wanted and loved.  

While I know that Mother's Day will always be a painful and complicated day for me, I am profoundly grateful to the many people who have helped me get through the last six months.  I can honestly say I don't know how I would have managed without you.  

•Zachary, Alexander, Clarity, Quinn and Maizy, you have made me the person I am and give me a thousand reasons to get out of bed each day. 

•The US surrogacy community on Facebook has been an incredible source of support and strength.   Initially, I was very afraid of speaking out about our experience.   I was terrified that people would say that we deserved what happened to Johnny because we chose an international journey.  Instead, our family has been embraced with open arms and surrounded with support and love.    I cannot describe how grateful I am for that compassion and understanding.   

•Stephanie and Jennifer, you have listened to me rage and comforted me when I was almost incapacitated with grief.   I wish that the thing that brought us together had never happened to any of us.   However, I could not ask for stronger or more compassionate women to walk this difficult path with me.

•To Mrs. S., wherever you are, I am celebrating with my daughter this year because of you.  

•To all the IPs who could have stayed silent and allowed our family to be attacked and slandered, thank you for your courage, your integrity and your compassion.   It has meant the world.   

Families Through Surrogacy: Consumer Advocacy Group or Trade Show?

"Families Through Surrogacy is a consumer-based non-profit organization focused on bringing together surrogates, intended parents and families through surrogacy to network, share their stories and stay informed about best practices in surrogacy arrangements" 

In March 2014, I spoke at the West Coast Families Through Surrogacy Conference held in San Francisco, California.  I was also a member of the conference committee from the fall of 2013 to the summer of 2014.

I was very excited when I first joined the FTS conference committee .  I felt honored to be part of a group that promoted transparency, ethics and best practices in international surrogacy.  It wasn't very long though before  I began questioning how the conference's policy on sponsorship could be reconciled with its mission statement.   

While I understand the financial reality of doing conferences around the world, I am disheartened by the way the financial need for sponsorship appears to be overshadowing FTS's stated mission.   When I was on the committee one of the very difficult conversations we had regarded a set of sponsors who had ties to a medical tourism company currently under FBI investigation.   When I expressed concern about promoting players with a history that was at the  least problematic,  Sam responded with something along the lines of "Well they are being investigated, but they aren't indicted yet."

Surely there is a better measure of best practices than "Not yet indicted." Allowing people with long histories of questionable behavior the opportunity to promote themselves at Families through Surrogacy conferences not only makes vulnerable IPs a captive audience to providers with known issues, it undermines the credibility that the conference has with the wider surrogacy community.  Whether the committee realizes it or not, allowing someone to present at the conference is an endorsement of their services.

Unfortunately, the conference has been used by more than one provider in this manner.   Speaking at the conference legitimizes providers, allowing them to present themselves as recognized "authorities" when that is often not be the reality.  It grants them a veneer of respectability and allows them them not only a captive audience, but they can later refer to their "speaking engagement" as a way to recruit new clients.  

The year  I spoke at the West Coast Families through Surrogacy conference Kim Waters Hendrix of Complete Surrogacy Solutions also spoke.    It was very clear the conference was used as a platform  to promote her business.   This pattern was repeated later that same year in Australia, where many people complained of Kim's "grandstanding."  Kim  used the forum not only to promote her own services, but also to denigrate her competitors.

Last year, Megan Sainsbury was "banned" from the Families through Surrogacy conference in Australia.   This year, Kim Hendrix is banned while Megan is attending under the umbrella of the clinic she promotes in Mexico.  What changed during this time?  To my knowledge,  no one from Families Through Surrogacy has explained why Kim went from being actively promoted to being banned and what Meg did that resolved the issues that caused her to not be allowed at the conference one year and then allowed to return the next.

At the very least, if a concern is brought to a provider, and it's serious enough to warrant not allowing them to attend the conference,  and then they take the time and energy to resolve those issues so that you feel comfortable bringing them back, it seems like it would be in everyone's best interest to give them credit for making those changes.

If the conference wants to grant sponsorships to anyone willing to pay the fee,  in much the same way that vendors at a trade show are selected, that is clearly their prerogative.   However, it's my opinion that if you want to maintain credibility as a non profit IP focused advocacy group, "not yet indicted" and "not popular at this time" is an incredibly low standard for professional participants.

When Families through Surrogacy allows agents to abuse intended parents publicly and says nothing?  They are giving their tacit approval of the behavior.  They are in fact contributing to the climate of fear and intimidation that permeates the international surrogacy community.   When Families through Surrogacy is not transparent about how they choose sponsors, they are not modeling the transparency that intended parents should expect from ALL parties who work in this field.  

I know that I am not the first person, nor am I likely to be the last,  to bring these issues to their attention.

Consumer driven advocacy groups have a responsibility to advocate.   If they do not want to take on that responsibility then truth in advertising demands that they notify attendees that they are a trade group for agents and clinics.   This would all them to continue to provide information to consumers, but would give those intended parents the proper context for that information.

If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.  

Kim Waters Hendrix & Complete Surrogacy Solutions Review and Complaint: Client Confidentiality

As I’ve written before, client confidentiality is a fundamental part of any professional surrogacy agency, facilitator, etc…     Surrogacy facilitators have access to financial information, medical information and are frequently given significant amounts of personal information by their clients.   

There were many times during my relationship with Kim where she shared information with me, that in retrospect was inappropriate.  I should not know about the couple who had to terminate their much wanted pregnancy at 13 weeks due to fetal abnormality, nor should I know anything about the sperm quality of several of my Facebook friends.  

That’s why when I found out that Kim was sharing my information with other people I wasn’t surprised.  Hurt, yes.  Surprised?  No.  One of the first people to let me know that this was going on was Paul McDavy.  Frankly, if he had been the only one and it had been an isolated issue, I probably would not be writing this post today. 

Posting information (and inaccurate information at that) about our struggle to get records  on my Facebook wall?  Not appropriate.  Sharing even more information with a prospective client?  Not professional.  

I confronted her about this in January:

One would have thought that this would have ended the matter.  However, it's very clear now that this pattern-  which was going on throughout our pregnancy and after our son died has continued.

She admits that she knew John wasn't well, although she and Bakshi repeatedly assured Drew and I that no oxygen deprivation had taken place.   Additionally, she fails to share that while she offered to go to Delhi it was with the understanding that Drew and I were footing the bill. 

Sharing details of our financial situation is not appropriate.   Additionally, we were being told that Adiva was a good hospital, there was no oxygen deprivation and no reason to move him unless we wanted to do so for the sake of doing it.  Given the information we had at time we made the decision to leave John where he was until I got there.  Had we been told that Adiva was not qualified to care for him, we would have moved him, regardless of cost.

Kim had absolutely no right to share the ongoing issues we were having in terms of getting the records or my other concerns. 

John died of HIE and Klebsiella pneumonia.  HIE is not genetic, nor is pneumonia.  HIE is caused by oxygen deprivation at birth.  Secondly, the genetic issue that our six year old has is not carried on the Y chromosome, it's maternally inherited...which is why we used an egg donor.  Lastly,  it is absolutely unfathomable that any person calling themselves a professional would feel this kind of disclosure is appropriate. 

I am also aware that Kim has also emailed clients, sharing her version of our tragedy and requesting that those clients give her positive reviews.   The fact that she has recruited other "professionals" not involved with our case to help her do this is even more disturbing.  While it's certainly her right to ask people for testimonials, the fact that she is continuing to share our personal, private information, despite our repeated requests that she not do so is disgusting.   

Complete Surrogacy Solutions: You had ONE JOB - by Drew

I’ve been an IT professional for almost 10 years now.  I’ve been in my current job for a little over a year, and its been a new experience for me, as I’ve moved into a sysadmin role.  I very much enjoy my job, and I’d like to think I’m doing well in it.  If someone comes to me with a problem, I am straightforward about my ability to fix it, as well as how much time I think it’ll take.  If I misrepresent either, I’m not only making myself look bad, but my whole team’s appearance suffers.  In a similar vein, when dealing with vendor support teams, I need to be honest about my knowledge and experience in order for them to best know how to assist me.  If I were to claim I knew more than I did, I’d actually impede the process of resolving my problem.

When the disasters with our travel visas and our twins’ birth happened, I don’t doubt that on some level, Kim believes she did everything she could to help us.  The ultimate reality is she accomplished nothing that helped us.  One reason for this is that I believe that Kim, for all of her projected confidence, amiability, bluster, and bravado, doesn’t have any influence on the actual surrogacy process.  At the very least, she doesn’t have as much as she thinks she does.  Here is how I came to this conclusion.

Point 1 - Kim did not seem to have any substantial relationships with the professionals in India, and didn’t appear to have invested in the ones she may have had.

  Until she went there after we’d returned home, Kim hadn’t traveled to India since the birth of her ‘nephews’ back in May of 2013.  We know this, because said so on her Facebook page.   At the very least, despite promising us that she would, she never visited India while our surrogate was pregnant.  As a result, she never saw the conditions at Adiva Hospital.  If she had, one would think that different decisions about Adiva’s/Bakshi’s viability as a partner would have been made well before we became her actual clients.

  In all fairness, Kim did communicate with Bakshi’s office via Skype.  I know this happened at least once, as she was on a Skype call with them at the same time that I was at Bakshi’s clinic filling out our initial paperwork in November of 2014, and I saw her myself.  Even if that happened on a regular basis, if she never traveled there herself, she missed out on a tremendous opportunity to cultivate personal and professional relationships.

  There are loads of articles out there that talk about the commuting vs. telecommuting debate that many businesses contend with on a regular basis.  As an IT professional, I get asked about it, and contend with it, frequently.  I have a very pleasant working relationship with my colleague in Delhi, but I had only ever talked to him over Skype.  While I was in Delhi in October, though, I managed to meet him for the first time, took a tour of the Delhi office, and met a few of the other people who work there.  I thoroughly enjoyed doing so.  No longer was “the Delhi office” just a conceptual place to me, I could picture it.  I felt much more connected to my colleague, and he and I were able to talk about things that didn’t have anything to do with the work that we did together.  That deepened and broadened our relationship.

  Seeing the responses and reactions that Kim’s emails to Bakshi and her staff received as compared to ours, I didn’t see any real difference.  As far as we could tell, Kim seemed to be just another American emailing them with questions.  Skype is a great tool to promote connectivity with business entities in remote locations, but without that personal touch - meeting them in person, shaking their hand, exchanging pleasantries, etc. - a relationship can only be built so far.  Only so much a rapport can really be established.  Even though she was a facilitator, Kim didn’t seem to have any more of a relationship with Dr. Bakshi and her staff than we did in the beginning.

Point 2 - Kim never took an active role in our surrogacy journey

  Once we’d signed on with her, Kim sent us several documents about packages, pricing, etc.  One of them was a pre-natal schedule, which supposedly outlined when our surrogate would have checkups, ultrasounds, and the like.  Once we were pregnant, it seemed our entire lives revolved around how far along we were, and how long that meant we had to wait until we got the next ultrasound pictures.

  Almost right off the bat, we had to ask Kim when the next scheduled scan was going to take place and why there were delays.  It didn’t take us long to stop going through Kim entirely and ask Dr. Bakshi directly about the scans.  As a facilitator, Kim’s job was supposed to be preventing us from having to do that.

  We were entirely focused on the ultrasounds, as they were the only link we had to our developing twins.  As the IPs, this should be entirely unsurprising.  In retrospect, however, this was a mistake on our part.  We should have realized that if we had to chase after the clinic to perform ultrasounds on schedule, then who knows what was going on with our surrogate’s checkups?  We eventually did get the medical records for our surrogate, but by then all the damage was done.  Had we asked for these records during the pregnancy, we could have voiced our concerns about Mrs. S’s rising blood pressure and anemia.   Rhy did voice some concerns about Mrs. S’s risk of developing gestational diabetes, but was shamed into silence.  This happened more than once.  While it would have been good for Kim and Dr. Bakshi to at least hear out her concerns, it would have been ideal for them to have been proactively addressed.

  But again, this was supposed to be Kim’s job as our facilitator to ask for and obtain those records.  By being the one who was supposed to monitor the surrogate’s health status, she was supposed to be allowing us to focus on those precious ultrasound pictures.  Instead, all we got were assurances that we were having the ‘picture perfect’ twin pregnancy.  Basic monitoring of our surrogate’s health should have made it quite clear that this was not the case.

  Another set of promises that Kim made to us was that she could help us get what we needed during our stay in Delhi.  She had supposedly negotiated a special rate for her clients at the Hilton Garden Inn.  She had a deal with a local driver and his fleet.  Her package and pricing material even claimed that she would get us an Indian cellphone.  While we remarked to her at the time that an Indian cellphone would be considered quite valuable when we traveled there, we never heard any offer or mention of it again.

  We did not initially stay at the Hilton when we arrived in Delhi.  My colleague at work recommended one that my fellow Seattle-based employees stay at when they travel to Delhi.  While it was very close to Adiva Hospital, it wasn’t as good a hotel as the Hilton was supposed to be.  So we asked Kim to help us make arrangements for her reduced rate at the Hilton for the remainder of our stay.  It was then that we learned that her ‘contact,’ with whom she’d supposedly negotiated the reduced rate for her clients, had left the Hilton for another job, and had left some number of months prior to our arrival.  This is something that, if she were actively managing her relationships in India, she would have known well in advance of our arrival.  So in the end, we had to pay full price.

  Before we even left for Delhi, Kim asked Rhy to check in on another couple’s surrogate for her.  Personally, the fact that she had the gall to ask that of us infuriated me.  Our son, after all, had just died.  Rhy, however, was smart - Given that we were already upset with the level of effort Kim had put out on our behalf, if she checked on this surrogate, then that couple could be assured of a thorough, honest evaluation of the surrogate’s condition.  In exchange for Rhy essentially doing Kim’s job for her, Kim offered to pay for one of our nights at the Hilton.  Even then, she’d only made those arrangements after I reminded her to do so twice.

  She also gave us no assistance with obtaining our exit visas, despite that being one of the most important parts of her self-written job description.  The documents we’d need, the steps we’d have to take once we’d arrived at the FRRO, even the appointment itself were all arranged by Poonam Jain, a consultant in Delhi who has helped many intended parents leave India with their babies, and someone who had worked in the US consulate for many years.  Thanks to her, we were able to get in and out of the FRRO with our exit visas in about 2 hours.  All we had heard from Kim on this subject were horror stories she’d read about online, which involved couples forced to make multiple trips to the FRRO over several days, and in some cases weeks.  “Try to stay calm and give them whatever they ask for,” comprises the sum of her ‘advice’ to us.

  While we were at the FRRO, we learned that the rules had changed regarding medical visas for surrogacy that required us to register with the FRRO upon our arrival.  We didn’t know this, and because the rule change came so close to our arrival, the FRRO agents allowed us to leave despite this oversight.  I understand that rules can change often, but rules such as these are ones that Kim should have been keeping extremely close track of.  Despite us informing her of these changes, she did not pass this information on to another pair of intended parents, and as a result, they had multiple issues obtaining their exit visas, one of which was caused by this rule change.

Conclusion: Kim would seem to have very little to no influence in India.

  When Johnny died the day before Rhy’s flight to Delhi was set to depart, we sent multiple emails to Kim, the US Consulate, and Dr. Bakshi’s team, pleading with them to save a lock of his hair, or take a handprint or footprint for us, as they would serve to be the only physical link we’d have to his 10 days of life.  We have since learned that the way Indian culture handles the death of a child/infant is much different than the way it is handled here in the US, both from a medical and cultural standpoint.  To judge another culture through the lens of one’s own is the height of ignorance, so I want to make clear that this is NOT what we are doing.  Given that, though, I would presume that one would be hard pressed to find someone, regardless of cultural background, that would find our request unreasonable.  Yet when Kim made our request to Dr. Bakshi and her staff on our behalf, the answer we received is that it simply could not be done.  While we were never told why this was the case, here is what I see this is a symptom of, and the point that I have been building towards for the last 3 pages.

  Kim was a facilitator who was sending intended parents to Dr. Bakshi’s clinic.  In short, Kim was supposedly helping Dr. Bakshi make quite a bit of money.  Kim appeared to only maintain digital lines of communication with her, and did not participate actively in the surrogacies that she was responsible for.  As a result, despite the basis of their relationship, it would seem that Dr. Bakshi did not see her relationship with Kim to be important enough to warrant a departure from the standard procedure, even in the event of a premature infant’s death.

I understand and am fully aware that India is a very different country than the United States, and has a very different way of doing things.  At the same time, advertising yourself as a surrogacy facilitator in a country in which you have no ability to take or influence real actionis, at best, foolhardy.  At worst, it is reckless and dangerous.  Kim boasted to us early on in the process that if we were disappointed in Bakshi in any way, Kim would call her up and ‘read her the Riot Act.’  She claimed that she did this several times over the course of our pregnancy, yet we didn’t see Dr. Bakshi’s or her staff’s behavior change at all over time.  Had Kim actually had any of the influence she claimed to have, she could have prevented the death of our son and the infection of our daughter with an STD.  At the absolute minimum, she could have avoided having a set of grieving parents end up with no physical remembrance of their son, which is one of the worst things for the grieving parents of an infant to have inflicted upon them.  We continue to hope that no set of parents ever experiences anything like this as a result of trusting someone they shouldn’t have.

Interesting note about the Planet Hospital Bankruptcy

One of the interesting things that occurred as the result of Planet Hospital involuntary bankruptcy is that it established a precedent-  international surrogacy facilitators are classified as healthcare service entities.  

This means that they are subject to HIPAA.   HIPAA fines are given per violation, and are expensive.

It has come to my attention that this blog does "not paint me in a very positive light".  



Allow me to clarify.  Because I trusted the wrong people my youngest son died alone, in a filthy hospital of a bacteria transmitted by human shit.  I wake up every morning and have to confront that fact.  It is the last thing I think about at night.  Regardless of what strangers on the internet think of me, it is NOTHING compared to how I feel about my failure to protect my son.

Secondly, you are welcome to call me culturally intolerant because I have an issue with the quality of health care my child received.  Rest assured I have spoken to several doctors in India.  All of them were horrified by the conditions at the hospital, etc....    This is an example of derailing.  It's used as a way to deflect attention away from the topic at hand. 

Prior to threatening someone with a libel or slander suit, I would suggest that you familiarize yourself with protected speech.  For those who have not yet mastered the art of Goggle-fu  

negative review/ tos

https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20140924/16444828628/roca-labs-sues-customer-posting-negative-review.shtml

Complete Surrogacy Solutions/ Kim Hendrix. Review and Complaint #1

There is one issue I want to talk about today.   The first is that Kim seems to be telling people that Drew and I were not her clients.

It is true that Drew and I did not pay Kim her 8000.00 client fee.  When we first connected with Kim, she told us that she would waive this fee because as a new facilitator, it would be helpful to her to have us as clients.  We had received quite a lot of media exposure as a result of the issues with Planet Hospital and therefore would be in a position to make referrals to her.    I made numerous referrals to Kim throughout our surrogacy.  She introduced me to several people at the Families through Surrogacy conference as her client and frequently asked me to write references for her to prospective clients.

Additionally, I am aware that she was given a 10% referral fee from Dr. Bakshi.

Therefore she was paid both monetarily and in kind.

If Kim was NOT my facilitator, why did Dr. Bakshi only communicate with her when my children were being born?  Why was she given our medical records?   Why was she involved in invoicing payments to the clinic?

Kim, you can't only take credit for the successes.  That's not how this works.  It's not how it works at all.

What made John disposable and Maizy ignorable?

I'm seeing a parade of cute babies who were born as a result of surrogacy in India and Thailand.  Babies whose parents were helped by Kim Waters Hendrix.

They are really darling.   

Looking at them made me sad though.   What made those parents and those babies more valuable than mine?   Does their existence somehow negate my children and their suffering?   Understand, I am very very glad that those families did not experience what we did.  But there experience does not negate ours.  

John deserved better than this.  He was loved and cherished by his family.  

Mae deserved to have appropriate medical care.  She deserved a relationship with her brother.

"....there should be zero fear in facing and negative issues head on. " - Kim Hendrix

On July 29, 2013, Kim wrote:  

“Negative press needs to be replaced with positive stories, people need to be able to talk freely and openly about the experiences they have encountered and there should be zero fear in facing and negative issues head on.  Only in dealing with things in a straight forward manner can we be sure that issues are resolved and are not repeated.   We're dealing with human lives, we want it to be a true win win for our surrogates, for our children, and for ourselves.

Kim acknowledged this with this post Freedom to blog about true feelings.... 

Last week, this blog was shut down by an abusive complaint to google.  I was able to restore it in twelve hours.

Yet we're still being harassed and threatened.

Being bullied, harassed, threatened and attacked for "talking freely and openly about the experiences we have encountered"  stinks.

Visa Hell

This post was written by my husband, Drew.   To this day no one from CKGS has ever acknowledged the reality that our son died alone because they refused to give us our visas.

Through all of our research into Indian surrogacy, we’d heard plenty of horror stories about the visa application process under both BLS (who ‘handled’ my visa for my first trip in November ’13) and CKGS, who took over from BLS in May ’14, supposedly after BLS just got buried in complaints.  We budgeted three months to get our applications in and maneuver through whatever obstacles would arise and still allow us to make our flights as intended.  So on August 13, 2014, we took all of our forms and piles of supporting documentation and sent them off.  As you probably know, things didn’t quite go as planned.

A week went by, and we didn’t even get a confirmation of receipt from CKGS.  I emailed their support staff, and the case was escalated by the following day.  While we already had our first obstacle fresh out of the gate, it was at least getting a level of response that was reassuring.  Another week passes, and since that initial escalation, we again had received no updates from CKGS.  So I emailed them again.  The following day, we got notified that:

- I had applied for the ‘wrong’ visa.  On the advice of our facilitator, I had applied for a medical visa, but should have applied for a medical attendant visa.
    In all fairness, this did make sense.  Rhy applied for a medical visa, since she was technically the ‘patient,’ and I would be accompanying her.  I re-did the application form and sent it to CKGS within a week.
- The photographs we sent (I will call these Photo Set #1) were deemed inadequate.
    This would be the same picture of us that were used on our visas the first time around.  But were now not acceptable.  For reasons.
- Our payment was short by $5 each.
    This sent me through the roof.  I used CKGS’s website:

and their order form to arrive at the amount that EACH application would need.

Per the instructions that came from the auto-generated email, I attached a new set of photographs (Photo Set #2) and sent them to the two addresses I had for CKGS’s San Francisco operations.  I then proceeded to call CKGS directly about the fee dispute.  Over the course of the next week or so, I spoke to several different people about what their website listed as the fees required and the amount that I sent.  ALL of them agreed that what I sent was appropriate.

Just after Labor Day, I am again told that the photos we sent did not meet the consulate’s requirements.  Furthermore, I was informed that photographs for visa applications weren’t accepted via email, and that physical copies were required.  While I fumed at this person that their generated email SAID that I could, I hastily compiled Photo Set #3 and mailed it in.
By this point, it had been three weeks and there had been ZERO forward momentum on getting our visas.  That’s three weeks that we are not in possession of our passports.

For the next three subsequent weeks, I make more phone calls.  I send more emails.  Rhy even joins in on the fun.  (And even makes one phone monkey cry!)  We get alternating stories: on one day, our applications were at the consulate being evaluated.  Another day, our applications are still at CKGS awaiting that final $5 before being sent out.  Each time they try to say that, I point out what their own website lists for the fees, and am told that the amount that I sent is correct.  Eventually, we get fed up and start to reach out to the US Consulate in Delhi and the Indian Consulate in San Francisco, pleading for help.  We simply couldn’t keep doing the same things over and over again and expect the results to be any different.

Finally, with six full weeks gone by since the applications were originally sent, we get an email from CKGS that essentially says “Please resend us digital copies of everything that you sent us hard copies of.”

I started to freak.  This, combined with the inconsistent stories, made me afraid that they’d lost our applications and/or our passports and were stringing us along to buy time to find them.  If we not only had to start from scratch with the application process, but also obtain emergency replacements of our passports, not only would we have to give up any hope making our flight, but pay through our noses in additional fees.  While they assured us that they still had our passports, they never did give us an explanation as to why we had to send them everything all over again.

Thankfully, I’d scanned each and every page that we had to send to CKGS.  This allowed me to simply attach everything to a couple of emails, so I (re) sent them to CKGS that same day.  The following day, we were told that our passports would be sent on to the consulate “on Monday.”

Monday comes and goes and we don’t hear anything about where our visas are, so we resume the phone call/email barrage.  What we were met with was ANOTHER request for visa photographs.  So we compile and send Photo Set #4, with our level of anxiety rising with each passing day.

On the evening of October 10, Pacific Time, as I was driving across the state to spend the weekend with Rhy and the kids, she calls me in hysterics.  Our twins were being born.  Despite the fact that we had sent our visa applications two months earlier, Maizy and John were in New Delhi and we were trapped in the United States.  On top of that, we seemed to be no closer to getting our visas than we were in August.  At the time, it was our worst nightmare.

Despite the fact that it was the weekend, we emailed everyone and their brother’s dog, pleading for updates and begging for action to be taken.  On Tuesday, we were contacted by Henry Lindpere, a manager at CKGS.  He informed us that the reason our applications hadn’t been sent to the consulate yet was because our payments were short by $5 each.  I gave him the same figures from the same forms that I had given the half-dozen phone techs I’d spoken to, but he insisted that nothing would happen until our account was settled.  With John’s health already precarious, we did the only thing we could and sent CKGS the money.  We still do not know what the money was for.

The day after they received the money, we got another email saying that our photos were again not acceptable.  Desperate to get to our son and daughter, we went out and paid for someone to physically take the pictures for us, making this the FIFTH set of photos we had to send to them.  Up to this point, we’d been using an app on our phones suggested to us by our surrogacy coordinator, Kim Hendrix.  Throughout the issues we encountered with CKGS and our photos, she kept telling us to use the app, as it would be faster and cheaper than getting them physically taken.

We then emailed them to our friend A.,  who printed them out and took time off of work to hand deliver them at the CKGS office in San Francisco.  The photos were delivered to CKGS at about noon that day, and delivered to the consulate in short order.  In what had to be an Indian bureaucratic speed record, our visas were approved and were FedExed back to us (after paying CKGS even MORE money, but I digress) by the end of that same business day.  It was wonderful news to hear on my birthday - we’d get our passports the following Monday, Rhy would be on a plane for Delhi Tuesday morning, and 24 hours later, she’d be with our babies.  There was a light at the end of the darkest tunnel we’ve ever been through together.

We watched  for the FedEx truck with more anticipation than two children on Christmas Eve.  When he finally comes, we tear open the envelope to see these visas with our own eyes.  What we saw was initially confusing: the photos that were on the visas weren’t from Photo Set #5, the ones that our friend Avi had delivered to CKGS personally.  Instead, the consulate used Photo Set #3, which had been sent to CKGS nearly SIX WEEKS earlier.  We contemplated sending emails to both CKGS and the consulate to express our bewilderment and anger, but decided it wouldn’t accomplish or fix anything.  So we jumped in the car and headed for Seattle - Rhy had a flight to catch, after all!


As we were driving, we got a call from the doctor in India - After 10 days of life, and having had to fight for each and every one, our beloved son, John P. H. Morrigan was dead, having never met the parents who loved him.

It took us two and a half months to get our visas through CKGS, which is just about what we had allotted.  But as I said in the beginning, things didn’t quite go as planned.  After weeks of unnecessary delays, we got our passports back on the day that our son died.  Even if we had gotten our passports back in September (when we sent in Photo Set #3), it may or may not have had an impact on whether or not John would have survived.  It would have, at the absolute least, given him a fighting chance, as we could have gotten Rhy on a plane immediately and she could have pushed for a medical evacuation to either another hospital in Delhi or all the way back to Seattle Children’s.  But even a single day’s worth of saved time would have allowed Rhy to have held John before the end.

Over the course of those two and a half months, our anxiety, frustration, and anger rose.  As time wore on and we encountered problem after problem, we reached out to Kim Hendrix, the US Consulate in Delhi, and the Indian Consulate in San Francisco.  Ultimately, none of them were able to help.  We finally reached out to our local senator’s office in the desperate hope that her office could help apply some pressure, so perhaps that speed record I mentioned was made possible in part to that pressure.  But for 99.9% of this ordeal, we were forced to deal with this monstrous situation completely on our own.

Over time, I will learn to integrate the tragic loss of my son into my everyday being, despite the fact that he died without ever having met his mother or me.  But what I am still bitter about is that while his death may or may not have been preventable, him dying alone WAS, and it is because CKGS screwed up in more ways that I can count that he did.

And I will ALWAYS be bitter about that.

Professional Standards for International Surrogacy Professionals: Part 2 Qualifications and Conflict of Interest

My husband and I chose to use a surrogacy facilitator not once, but twice.  One of the primary reasons we made that choice was the recognition of our limitations in terms of evaluating a medical facility on the other side of the planet.  In retrospect, we should have recognized that those same limitations applied to the facilitator.

Most international surrogacy agents do not have degrees in the health care field; it’s probably not reasonable to expect them to.  However,  absent accreditation by a credible third party like the International Joint Commission, it seems unlikely that the average layperson  has the ability to evaluate doctors or facilities in a foreign country.   Given our experience,  a hospital that does not adhere to the standards set by the joint commission is not a hospital I would feel comfortable using for high risk pregnancies or infants.  To find out if a hospital meets these standards,  click here.

The fact that a medical facility has a nice website or that it “looks” clean doesn’t mean that it adheres to international standards for patient safety.  

At the same time, if a facility cannot maintain the most basic standards for cleanliness, it seems extremely unlikely they would have the capacity to prevent the spread of infection.  In a country like India, where antibiotic resistant bacteria kill fifty-eight thousand babies  every year it should be obvious why this is critically important. 

The second and equally concerning issue is the conflict of interest in the relationship between facilitators and clinics.  Facilitators frequently receive referral fees from the doctor/clinic.  This is problematic for reasons that I think are pretty clear. At the very least, transparency would seem to require that this relationship be disclosed.

There are hospitals in New Delhi that meet the standards set by the Joint Commission. Again, you can find them here.  I would not feel safe using a doctor who delivered at a hospital that did not meet these standards.    If my agency or facilitator was recommending that I go forward with surrogacy in a country where there were no facilities accredited by the International Joint Commission, knowing what I know now,  I would not be comfortable taking that risk with my baby.

Losing a child is one of the single most devastating things that has ever happened to my family.   Sharing our experience has opened me up to vitriol from strangers and from people I used to call friends. I’ve been threatened with legal retaliation and told that this blog “does not paint me in a positive light.”  What those people don’t seem to understand is this:  My beloved son died.  The last thing I’m worried about is other people’s opinions.  Frankly, I don't deserve to be painted in a positive light because I failed  my son by being arrogant enough to think that I had the ability to protect him from half a world away.  Telling my story isn’t easy.  It shouldn't be, but it’s the only way I can think of to say this:

“Johnny, Mommy is so very, very sorry.”